Naddy

my love letter

2009-12-24T08:23:00.002+08:00

" I am in love with you

You set me free

I can't do this thing

Called life without you here with me

Cause I'm Dangerously In Love with you

I'll never leave

Just keep lovin' me

The way I love you loving me "

- dangerously in love by Beyonce

and, i think, its time to finally let go of this place to somewhere much much refreshing.

giving you my heart

2009-12-22T08:47:00.001+08:00

i'll make do with physics and maths today

countdown

2009-12-20T08:20:00.002+08:00

i cant believe its 20th today and its the beginning.

day one.

prayers for you and family.

sometimes; i really need to break free

2009-12-18T19:27:00.002+08:00

all i needed and all ive got

but, when things have to turn bad,

its for real.

and you wont be able to see,

the heart shatter.

and you wont be able to hear,

the heart scream.

ouch

now and forever

2009-12-17T19:32:00.002+08:00

cause, girlfriends, are the people that can be trusted and love you for you and be there for you and never never never turn their backs around of you.

love you girls

2009-12-16T09:35:00.001+08:00

" I can’t go any further then this
I want you so badly, it’s my biggest wish

I spent my time just thinkin thinkin thinkin bout you
Every single day yes, i’m really missin’ missin’ you
— Meet Me Halfway-Black Eyed Peas

you'll be the anchor and i'll be the wings

2009-12-15T13:46:00.001+08:00

train of thoughts

2009-12-14T18:06:00.002+08:00

i was randomly browsing through some pictures and idk why, ive always loved anything thats pink and its either gotta be hearts or flowers. im a girl, duh. and, whilst studying math, maclaurin series, i was imagining my pink room to be covered with lotsa lotsa flowers. pink flowers. like, pink roses and sunflowers and etc. bizarre, but, come on, its not as if its impossible :)

well, today's training was like, ohmygodithinkifeellikeimgonnadie. hahhaa. i guess, its due to yesterday's game with seniors at valhall and than today, we had to do drills and play game against seniors again, makes me feel so exhausted. though we won, yayyyyy, i was so tired. haha. and, i guessed, i scored almost all the goals? haha.

and, after not seeing luv during the weekends, ive finally gotten the chance to :)

best part, both of us were complaining about trainings and stuffs. cramps for luv and blue black for me. haha. but, i loike :)

ive just started on new blog. gonna shift soon because, i really need to privatise some stuffs and only certain posts are meant to be read by the public, the rest are just for my memories and for my dearest friends to read. still under construction.

gtg. homework to do.

ttys ;)

Perfectionist

2009-12-13T19:15:00.002+08:00

have you ever wondered what its ike to be judged repeatedly for something that you never were. something that people loved to talk behind your back and never really got the truth. well, im sure everyone has those days. and, i wasnt spared from it either. it hurts, no doubt. it kills. like a gunshot, it spreads so fast, sometimes, you feel as if you're better off giving it up and let them judge you no matter how wrong they may be. sometimes, they just dont get the whole story. sometimes, people just listen and follow with the flow. sometimes, people just go back to their words.

it disappoints me, if they felt that ive disappointed them. but, they never got a chance to get to know me better than the people that did know the whole story. and, on my part, i never got a chance to tell them the full story because, all i know, im always hindered, invisible. it isnt portrayed. even if it does, some people speaks volume of their sympathies, but, they never do it. action speaks louder than words, remember? like, when you say you miss that particular person, you'd work hard to meet that person and not just say it for the sake of portraying your care or concern.

well, it bothers me. so much. but, then again, like the triplets and sab, they reminded me, who are my true friends and who are just not deserving at all. and, it saddens me to even think about it. somehow, yes, i couldnt hold back the tears for the fact that, there are a list of names that come and is gone now in my life. it hurts that they just used you. on the filpside, indeed, people come and go, but so what? what matters is that ive got true friends that knows me for me, loves me for me and that i could trust. trust.

i was browsing through some lyrics and found this on the net. i know, some people knows that ive always been trying so hard to be perfect when sometimes, the cold hard truth is, no one is perfect. but, ive never give up what i know im capable of achieving and having the support and encouragement from true friends and trusted people around me, im blessed.

Perfect By Hedley

Falling a thousand feet per second
You still take me by surprise
I just know we can't be over
I can see it in your eyes
Making every kind of silence
Takes a lot to realize
It's worse to finish than to start all over
And never let it lie
And as long as I can feel you holding on
I won't fall
Even if you said I was wrong

I'm not perfect
But I keep trying
Cause that's what I said
I would do from the start
I'm not alive if I'm lonely
So please don't leave
Was it something I said
Or just my personality

Making every kind of silence
It takes a lot to realize
It's worse to finish than to start all over
And never let it lie
And as long as I can feel you holding on
I won't fall
Even if you said I was wrong

I know that I'm not perfect
But I keep trying
Cause that's what I said
I would do from the start
I'm not alive if I'm lonely
So please don't leave
Was it something I said
Or just my personality

When you're caught in a lie
And you've got nothing to hide
When you've got nowhere to run
And you've got nothing inside
It tears right through me
You thought that you knew me
You thought that you knew

I'm not perfect
But I keep trying
Cause that's what I said
I would do from the start
I'm not alive if I'm lonely
So please don't leave
Was it something I said
Or just my personality

I'm not perfect
But I keep trying
Cause that's what I said
I would do from the start
I'm not alive if I'm lonely
So please don't leave
Was it something I said
Or just my, just my
Self, just myself
Myself, just myself

I'm not perfect
But I keep trying

only hope

2009-12-10T21:14:00.002+08:00

i feel so deprived for the internet when here i am, blogging onto my 2nd post.

i was so enthu in getting to finish part of my holiday homework but to no avail since ive got to spend the nest few hours and days of my life to my fullest before its gone, forever. why? cause, someone's out of town :)

and, with that, ive got more time and hands on the lappy and internet.

ive got so many things to say. like, firstly, on tuesday, my dearest soffey and feez came over for a swim.

we had endless gossips of whats new and whats hot. plus, some updates about one another's lives and also weight. hahaha, its so funny how all three of us kept complaining about our own weight. its never ending!

we were also accompanied by scrumptious food since soffey is so nice to make pasta and also, the cold water in the poool :)

since the past few days, ive been doing the same routines. 6km at 6am. it works wonders in terms of my stamina and fitness. however, ive not been timing my 2.4km runs, which i have to start doing for next year's Napha. However, like ive said, stamina is still there and i couldnt believe it myself when ive played almot 10minutes on court and never substituted myself. i thought i was going mad, running the entire court.

tomorrow, tomorrow.

*prays hard*

when the sun shines, we shine together, told you i'll be here forever.

2009-12-08T09:23:00.002+08:00

a great start to the week with <3

than, more <3

and than, flooorball mania

today, when the sun shines, more <3

and now, imma spend time with the triplets

thank you <3

facades

2009-12-06T18:16:00.002+08:00

you know, maybe this was all wrong to begin with. ive came to realise how much facades all this were in the very beginning and i hate myself to only realise it now. im so sick of lies and facades that i am being very skeptical about everything. i only need to talk to someone, someone i could trust and this is putting me below my average level cause im at my lowest. this time i dont deny how much it kills me and the people who judged me, ought to know that. this world, im living on, is nothing but a lie. sleepless nights and numb tears wasnt in vain. ive yet to pick up the pieces of the brokenheart that ive been shoving under the rug for almost a month. i thought i was strong enough but damn it, its not happening.

you dont see me cry but truthfully, my heart screams louder that its so high-pitched, you couldnt hear.

:'(

with you

2009-12-04T13:30:00.003+08:00

im so exhausted but it doesnt stop me from runing my fingers through the keyboards. though i dont really have much to say but i just feel like typing something and well there's alot that i wish to say but i'd rather keep mum about it. anyhows im kinda happy today though tired after training but littlest things can make me smile.

you,

recover from your camp soon cause i know ure as exhausted or even far much more exhausted than i am as imyvm.

P/S: i wanna run away and never come back

sunshines on weekdays

2009-12-03T07:20:00.002+08:00

Have been busy with trainings in school on mondays and wednesdays. Mondays are PT as i chose it to be and i am particulary proud of my girls to have completed the intervals as i wanted them to and they did well asfter a long break from trainings. Plus, yesterdays training with coach was great too, the girls did well in controlling the ball. I was amazed and happy and coach was happy too though there were'nt many that turned up. Best thing, he started talking to the team about commitment which i have been trying to relay to the team. Im glad things are smooth now, for the moment. More shootings and dribblings and running tmr :) and, i hope monday's friendly with seniors is on!

Besides that, i have been really really really weird these days. The bizzare thing is that, ive been having sweet tooth and its really not a good thing for me, espescially my weight. urgh, weight problems is a big thing for me though small for some but not me. And, having to have cravings for unneccessary foods made me figure out so mich on opportunity costs. You know, it really aint fun and worst of all, i make it up with 6km runs in the mornings though its not training day and skipping on training days. Kinda mad, but, im so worried about facing the scale if i continue having this sweet tooth. tsk. but someone reminded me, eat all you want but make sure you make up to it. which i did -.-

additionally, ive just finished my math tutorial for monday's extra lesson. sigh and so much more to do. tutorial15, chem assignments and planning exercises for SPA, econs essays and also physics. so much to do for the next 3 weeks or 4.

p/s: imy fza and soff and bestie and u vvvvvvm.

new moon on sunday

2009-12-01T18:32:00.002+08:00

life's been pretty hectic and exhasuting. however, it never stopped me from catching new moon last sunday. it was amazing. so much better and less disappointments compared to twilight's last year. and its worth the money though the book is no doubt the best. reading it time and again never made me tired of it. sigh, if only edward cullen was true. if only edward cullen was there to watch me sleep and etc. reading eclipse again made me doubly in loooooove with the romantic and simplistic dialogues :)

besides, trainings are back. fitness rmbr? sometimes, i wonder why i am the only one that seem to really worry for the team and really worry for the fitness and skills. i may be the captain but that doesnt mean all the responsibilities are just on me. sigh.

and, i got so many pink stuffs recently, shopping with mummey was great. what not, she sponsored haha and we both got the same dress but of contrasting colours. so cute can! and, ive been missing mum since she have been busy at work lately while me with traiings and school. so, having quality time with her put my mind at ease cause, i love it when she laughs and smile.

lastly, im neither here nor there. kinda upset kinda worried. busy with assignments to complete and homecoming physics exam to study for. plus, Alevels next year. i have to remind myself one step at a time. tsk. so much to spill but some things are just meant for me and god. perhaps, when i see my girls soon. im missing them :(

compare a small tree to the entire forest

frillions of updates

2009-11-27T07:53:00.003+08:00

this time round, ive got tons to spill, lots to share, frillions to type but my mind is in a whirl. im speechless but nonetheless i'll try to share what i could remember. so many things happened in almost a week.

firstly, i remembered how much i urged to eat red bean soup for days and finally when i did told someone about it, my wishes came true. well, it kinda failed at first, but, it never stopped that someone from granting my wish. and, it was the sweetest thing a person would have done. i was awed, time and again and its just so magical. thank you love.

secondly, i had a trip with the school to pulau tekong for experience on how the guys will suffer in NS. haha. but, it was kinda cool cause i swear the food ration, where they receive this delicious and simple choc biscuits made me happy. you know chocs make me kinda high. hahahah. okay but still, someone was telling me, "if you join NS, it must be due to the choc biscuits"

LOL, thats so weird. im still sticking to my plan of going Uni after Alevels :)

but, the best thing was with the girls, sharing snacks and playing games and just disturbing one another. like, michelle as ugly, fatin as nerdy, cheryl as hottie and li hui as tortoise with a big shell. lol.

lucky me, xue qin and vaish had no nicknames. hahah. but i'll still be pinky ;)

and oh, as much as i love my pink ribbon headband, people are using it to always call me, like, during the trip in the auditorium, the peron on stage called me by the girl with the red headband and ribbon and than in lectures the lecturers called me the girl with the red headband. Its PINK!

so suay.

thirdly, ive beeen soooooooooooooo bussssssssssssy with combined school's friendly matches for floorball. i mean, last trials will only be on this saturday, which is tmr and its gonna be friendly match with TP. we had matches with NP twice and NYP. all the matches was great, bonded the girls together, made new friends, made new partners, had new skills being taught and learnt and everyone was helping one another. so it was fun. i got to play with good players too, like nina from merahans, melissa from vjc and etc. plus, i made alot of new friends from rjc and yjc and also my so called sister belle from swiss. all of them are very very nice. and talented too :) this saturday, if i didnt make into the final cut, i'd certainly be disappointed but i think ive been really giving my best and always always heeding the coaches advices. last cut. last chance.

lastly, i had been sooooo busy i hadnt been spending time with sab. and, she got mew out for a lunch date for my belated birthday. omg, she is so sweeeet. haha. we had pastamania and i have not tried it eversince it was launched eons ago. lol. but, well, i had pizza cause i heard pastas there aint nice. anyways, the bestest thing was updating each other and talking for more than an hour in there and eating so slowly. lol. but, it was great. cause, sometimes, some things cant be shared with anyone but one person. know what i mean? i love her. and, sab, stay strong, hang in there alright girl. you know you have me and im always here for youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu <3

so new moon is out and im not kinda so eggcited compared to twilight's last year cause its kinda cliche already. i mean, ive read the entire saga series after my O's and i knew whats up and whats gonna happen and all. so, instead of being the first to catch new moon like last year's twilight, ive decided to watch it later, not so soon. haha. i dont wish to be disappointed like the twilight's movie. and besides, edward cullen in the movie is not as magical as it is in the book. oh wells, i still would say, my fav line in the twilight book, im unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him. that is so sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet. *melts

and holidays are here, with only a month, there are lots to do. trainings for sure and holiday homeworks and ive got homecoming physics exam to study for and preparation for A levels next year. plus, ive yet to plan swimming with my girrrrrlssssssss. i miss you girls! plus, i miss ________ most.

Selamat Hari Raya Haji to all muslims :)

better as one

2009-11-20T18:18:00.003+08:00

JC1 CAMP @ JALAN BAHTERA; 18 nov - 20 nov.

With lotsa lotsa Sagi and Taurus innovians plus Camp Achievers Instructors, we rocked the entire Jalan Bahtera campsite down down down.

It was sooooooooooo amazingggggggggggg that Ive survived this camp although at first, i was so not into it due to me being lethargic after the Ngee Ann Poly friendly match the evening before and had to do last minute packing such that i forgot my own plastic plate. -.-

Day One

Upon reaching the campsite, we had to do some ice breaker games and we played Ouch Obi Obi. It was really funny and something refreshing. Especially for those with the plan of sabotaging their own friends. lol. and, I was one of the unlucky girl to be slapped on the thigh by the instructor ah Huat. He was sooooooooooo baaaaaaaaaaaaaad. Hahaha, but, he gave me some mercy unlike to Nas :)

Besides that, we had to do land expedition, amazing race. It was kinda boringgggggg but a-okay. Very tiring and i guess the weather made me nauseous halfway but i did jogged back and get back to normal state after that. However, i still think the amazing race was a bit too much.

Night time, the kidnapping game was exciting since Ive never played such a game before, so it was certainly something new. Me, Fatin, Nas and Yan were the search group. We ran back and forth to search for our dear noval whom was kidnapped, lol. And, then, we kept running around until our group finally got the two keys to unlock the gate for noval. It was definately fun because, our class, was the 1st team to finish the game. Very fun indeed.

Day Two

Sea Expedition. Being paired up with a guy was supposed to ease the burden for the ladies in order for them to paddle lesser during the 3 to 4 hours kayaking but guess who did the most work? Me -.-

My partner is obivously raaat and he loves to lepak behind. hahahah, but when it was the titanic game, i had to lepak on my knees, wth. Still, i could bully him to keep paddling faster. LOL.

But, it was the BEST THANG for the camp. I wanna kayak more, without becoming so tanned. Hahahahaha.

Afterwhich, the rain never subsided so we had to play some blindfolded games and MRT. Also, prepared for Campfire performance and we decided on Body Combat :)

The night, campfire was fun, seeing our schoolmates talents to dance, sing, speak and act and obviously, my class, 0912b, do BODY COMBAT. Garang :)

Lets just skipp the boring parts and jump to pictures.

Why was this CAMP SO EGGGGGG-CITING?!????????????

*BIG SMILES*

Plus, 0912B ♥

and instructor Kevin, AKA Ah Huat

Okay, my shoulders are aching due to the kayaking and my thighs are killing me due to the NP match and kayaking and now, i need a good rest for tmr's NYP match. Omggggggggggggggg, i am so exhuasted.

gdday

killing us slowly

2009-11-17T06:20:00.002+08:00

yesterday, it feels like its judgement day to most of the innovians, sitting at the freezing cold and tense LT1. I swear I could vividly remember how the release of Olevel results was, almost the same but just much more crucial and intense and melancholic. I knew what was coming and i knew what is in store for me. I am truly unhappy with the D's on my result slips but I was thankful I passed everything and got promoted. But, some people had to leave behind. Some people like our enemies or even good friends.

And, i vivdly remember 2 years back when my bestfriend went through just the same. I cried so hard, so badly and hugged her so tightly, it felt like its almost the end of the world. I couldnt comfort her enough, i couldnt help her enough, i just couldnt do anything for her. I was brokenhearted to see her left behind, crushed to see her alone without the rest of us. But, god has its reasons and that is why she is so lucky to change her combi to something she is better in and doing well now.

Thus, history repeats itself. If you're reading this, than you know its you. I wouldnt name you. But, truly, when I was there standing behind you to see the rest look at your slip with retained, i was brokenhearted too. If you were a girl, i would have hugged you just the same i did to my bestfriend 2 years ago. If you were a girl, i would just cry and want to see you cry too instead of keeping a strong front cause crying doesnt make you weak but makes you brave and keep the pain away. I swear, I just cried and walked off not wanting to let others see. But, i failed. It was so painful to see you, a group leader of mine in PW, working with me and is my classmate for a year, left behind. You were so hardworking although i give you countless of scoldings and naggings, you never take them to heart. You cared for the entire of our PW group member's welfare and never asked anything in return. Though sometimes you may be a pain but, you were so so so not deserving to be left behind. I wished and i kept wishing I could help you out. But, the decision is final and made.

Im gonna miss you and the rest of the class is going to miss you. Please work hard next year like its Alevels. Its an opportunity for you to do better. We wont forget you.

savouring whats left

2009-11-15T08:19:00.003+08:00

to be frank, having to be partially in the combined schs team is something i wanted to achieve during the start of the year when i saw my vice captain doing it. its an honour, dont you think? i vivdly remember how i was the first girl of JC1 to join and train with the seniors for floorball trainings and how i kept doing dribblings and shootings while the seniors train with coach. i still remember them. i love floorball and i love my teammates and i love my teachers, my coach and my seniors.

having to be selected and be the only one left from ij team to be in the combined schs, i was really really surprised, ive gone this far. ive been doing my best and i want to bring ij team to greater heights for the upcoming Adivs next year. as a leader, i have that role and responsibility to do so. but, as much as my burning desire is, my pillars of strengths always have to come into the picture. i know how much commitment it would take off from me, and i know how much time i will have left for my other leisure and my Alevels next year. but, cant i decide something i feel i could do best in?

im not against the idea of not playing for combined schs team next year if i get selected at this end of nov, but, i know, and i wish to give it a shot. i mean, im not asking so much to be a national player and neglect my studies. i do know, A levels are crucial and is so dearly to me, but you just dont see it. i dont express my feelings so much you see. sigh. its like, if ure a father and ur daughter is one of the best players in the school, wouldnt u be proud of it? i mean, i dont want to ask so much but a chance.

i shall leave the rest to myself. friendly matches are up and more trainings during the hols with my team. can you smell the upcoming A divs? i do. and, im worried sick cause, we've got lots to do.

fitness. fitness. fitness.

friendship games

2009-11-13T19:59:00.002+08:00

i am so exhausted and my thighs are aching and my thumb is hurting and my whole body is squashed and everything else. it was 6km in the morning with cycles in between, than frisbee with sports schoool until the rain got heavier but never subsided. i swear i was so sticky i couldnt help it but wanna drown myself in a pool. i wonder how soccer and rugby players can take the field man. its so ewwwww. and, what a day, being so tired, a muscular boy could actually collide with me, and, he is so muscular, he weighs like _____ . plus, the smaller boys are everywhere in the field and they kept kicking the frisbee when they couldnt catch it.

however, it was fun and i have never actually played under the rain for so long. plus, we even exchange groups by having to play with the sports school boys. heh heh, innova boomz still wins :)

i am so tired, my legs need to be used tmr for floorball trials. last trial. i am so nervous. omgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg.

best thang for the day: "no hanky panky. dont toy with people's feelings. " hahahahahhahaha :)

blow the candles out

2009-11-12T21:01:00.004+08:00

and so it is, 12th, my fav number. and, so, i turn seventeen today. much much wiser, i guess. but, but, the pinkylicious is still here and will not be eradicated. heh.

i may not be in the best of times, but today, some people do change my day. wishes from text messages, facebook and night call was certainly appreciated. thank you to all that have wished me. its so sweet and nice of you to remember my forever seventeen.

thank you again to my beloved classmates, rat, fatin, nas, yan and dan. omggggg, i swear, u guys are so damn sweeeeeet, i couldnt believe my eyes when i saw the contents of the pink plastic bag. it was all pink and best thing, everything is so helpful and useful. from lunchbox (cause, i always pack food from home), waterbottle (indeed i need new one for training and i never see that one before) and phone pouch (can protect my E71 baby) :)

thank you again :)

not forgetting, bestie's present. omg, thanks, so sweeeet lah. and meeting you was awesome cause i miss you like asdasifvlusegbvnsdkv :)))

plus, dear mummey gave me a hot pink jacket since she knows im always freezing in lectures. heh. thanks mummey.

also, mummey and my dear sis chipped in for my new pinky floorball stick. heh. thank you!

last but not least; the prata, 2012, pinky pillow and cake was so sweeeeeeeeeeet.
thank you, raaat
♥

my wishes for this year?
1) 3 more wishes
2) Do well for A's and Floorball next year
3) Find my happiness

forever seventeen.
welcome me, to the cullen family.
edward, oh edward.
take my heart and set me free.
love me right and always protect me.
:)

normal

2009-11-10T14:17:00.002+08:00

i am done with Oral Presentation for Alevels Project Work and imma happy girl cause, everything was so close to perfect. I did my speech well, i did my skit well, i had good intonation, good clarity, good pronounciation, good eye contact and etc. heck, i did well that i think i deserve to put a big smile on my face. i was so relieved, i swear. esp when i have answered the Q&A session with relevant details and substatiation. soooooooooo relieved!

however, hmmmms, manzzzzz, i hate it when people just have to be skeptical of my diet, you know? so what if im on strict diet last time, not wanting to eat fast food or chocolates and all. ive lost weight but it doesnt mean i cant have these foods now right? who are you to raise eyebrows of what i consume. im normal too, ya know. and it really really is annoying when im trying to be normal, people thinks im weird. but, when im so weird, with strict diets, people wants me to be normal. manz. anyhows, running 4 to 5km a day is becoming one of my remedies, so just leave me to do what i want. im normal, i am.

i am so not happy about this thursday. urgh, pw until 3pm? worst, it isnt confirm that its until 3pm! sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh. and, saturday, sigh. i reallllllly realllly hope its well.

2more days and PW is OVER.

so OVER man!

edwardo

2009-11-09T19:16:00.003+08:00

♥ and the lion fell for the lamb.
like edward said, "you're my brand of heroin."
like bella said, "i'm unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him."

still am very in love with twilight saga series, and maybe, it calls for New Moon to be re-read before the movie is screened soon.

and so its november.
the 9th.
and so its OP exam tomorrow.

p/s: ive got my new floorball stick :)

yellow sunshines

2009-11-06T19:36:00.002+08:00

everyday seems to be a start of something new. although there were times that i get really agitated with pw for i hate it, i do look on to the brighter side of it, that is, to give my best shot for my last 40% of my grade.

do you know what its like to be a butterfly that is finally beautiful and confident and free from its cocoon to leave and explore a new insight?

i wonder, for, i might be that butterfly.

things ive been doing this week:

dvds.

runs.cycle.soccer.basketball.

laughters.giggles.smiles.

murtabak.floorball stick.

life.love.

new classic

2009-11-04T19:29:00.002+08:00

omggggggggg, she is so adorable and gorgeoussssssssss, i think ive been keeping that inside me for too long. and, ive finally completed watching another cinderella story. i know right, im so slow only to have completed watching it only now. blame ijc for pulling me down with schoool. but, what the heck, the show is awesome and dancing reminds me of secondary one hip hop dance lessons! i miss them. i miss hip hop dance! but, this one, the dance was so perfect. omg, i really cant imagine ive actually borrowed something from my school's library after being in ij for almost a year now. and, the best part, the first thing ive borrowed was this another cinderella story vcd and was only borrowed today. whats wrong with me man? haha. omg, i think movie marathon feeling is back. and nas is also facing it. hahah. no games for me, that is so out of the question.

i realllly reallly hope i work something out with my girls. cause, idk if its me or its them, or everyone. im trying my best to put every single one of us together, as a team, as ij whoosh, as floorballers. being captain aint easy and ive got to face it with courage, bring everyone together as one and stay as one. cause, noone knows how much floorball means to me, and how much every single one of them can be a pain but is in my heart. get it? sigh. and, i miss the seniors. hopefully 3rd december is confirmed.

and, my sister was talking about my forever 17th, where she is so upset she couldnt be around with me on that particular day. sigh. im so loss for words. ive already said it countless times, im not looking forward to that day and i just hope they calendar actually skips it cause, its always so disappointing and upsetting. i dont get it when they actually place happy in it. its contradictory. last year was happy but this year, its so different. everything changes and its so hard to face it now when everyone is on broken strings.

done, im not going into the negatives.

i still am wishing that tmr, there is that something that i was hoping for. pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

its all within

2009-11-03T18:09:00.003+08:00

ive got so many in mind. ive got so many to spill. but, sometimes, some things are meant only for me. though it can get too overwhelming, i need time to slow down and let me set this heart free. free from the pain, the agony, the shadows ive been hiding myself with. i respect those that give me the concerns, those that care and i just hate myself for not fighting it off hard enough. but, i am fighting it. i am fighting it as much as my heart could. i am already giving my best. it may seem so hard to decipher but i am trying to set this broken heart free from it all. i dont deny this fragile heart of mine is as hard as diamond, as brittle as glass. im making myself to get out of this blanket that i have been in. it still hurts no matter what. its scarred. its slowly healing.

ive promised not only to myself that i will get out of this, fight with all my might and see the world as something more colourful instead of it always being so bleak.

god, i seek solace and guidance from you :(

P/S: i'll be there, at the end of the day

PP/S: imy fza love and bestie, i need to talk to you both soon. its killing me to keep hiding this within me.

good things come to an end

2009-11-01T07:10:00.002+08:00

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

this is what is left of me. take it all away. take whats left of me.

and thank you, love.

like shooting stars, it comes once awhile

2009-10-30T18:43:00.002+08:00

i am happy but at the same time so tired, exhausted, lethargic, i think im going to sleep it off. my body aches, because, i think i really pushed myself beyond my limits. so, it was previously 8.6 for beep test and ive set a goal to attain 9.9. Well, 10.7 it is. The moment i heard 9.9, my mind goes, "thats it, target reached." but, the other side of my brain was thinking, "i must be the best and give my best." and, pushing myself was the biggest achievement. next goal, 12.1.

struggling my way through the fight,
im not sure if i'll be alright.

never say never

2009-10-29T21:13:00.004+08:00

today was awesomeeee but its making me worried of my weight. ive got to start losing weight and lose more. 47kg, my goal. Believe it or not, it is and will be my goal. and, ive just ran 5km with 4km of cycling just now to brun the ice cream i had this afternooon. i was so tempted to finish it. i felt so guilty. after so looooooooooooooong since ive had ice cream, the taste was, masyaallah, marvellous. plus, beep test tmr and imma aim for level 9.9.

okay, afterwhich, im really tempted to go shopppppppingggg but im kinda broke. theres so many on my list and it could go on and on. but, i just feel like typing it here to keep me reminded constantly that i have shopping to do. heh. heh.
:)

1) New waterbottle
2) New canvas (cotton on or vans slip on) *pending*
3) New Nike Free Air sports shoe
4) New Sports Bag
5) New Shoe Bag
6) New Floorball stick
7) New Pencil case
8) Pink leather wallet or Zebra/Leaopard print clutch wallet
9) New Watch
10) New Spects
11) revamped wardrobe
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
and the list goes on.

i still must lose weight. thats the ultimate goal.

above all that, im proud of myself during OP rehearsals today. i managed to present well though i fumbled my way through the experimentation part. but, its okay, good for first try and my group was surprisingly okay. now, back to OP slides.

swinging on the swing

2009-10-28T17:15:00.003+08:00

ive still got lots of things in mind. but whats for sure, today, someone made me ponder alot and though that someone doesnt want me to, i had to. kinda worried, kinda insecure but im going to trust myself and not let my fragile heart broken. its like everything right now is all fine. well, fine enough, i hope it'll remain. sigh.

morning run today made me realise how much my stamina dropped. well, dropped by 2 seconds but ive not achieved my 11minutes for 2.4km okay. 12mins kinda cliche. sigh. gotta keep pushing myself. and, this morning, the adrenaline rush, the veins are killing me already. my eyes, is becoming worst, i guess. kinda worried, but, im not sure about doing anything about it.

plus, i hate pw. ewwwwwwwww. hate it but i think imma push myself until its the 11th of nov before im really freee of it. but, i still hate pw. ewwwwwwwwwww.

and, mother tongue is in a few days time. so much to handle. though its only 2 subjects left, i feel as if its like retaking my promos. sigh.

lastly, im so uber worried for saturday and as much as i want it, i know, its kinda impossible. and, ive got so many reflections to do for floorball, for my team, my girls and next year A divs.

just right

we'll pull through

2009-10-25T12:27:00.003+08:00

last night, i received a long text and i knew who it was going to be. i knew what its going to be and i knew what im gonna say. i read between the lines. it hurts. it hurts to see someone you really love, a friend, for almost 10years now, going through a hard phase of their life. i teared upon reading her blog, so did i last night upon receiving her text. its not something new, in fact, its cliche and its not ending. i wanted so much to be there for her but the best i could do before she's free is to provide her with a listening ear, advices and being there for her by replying to her.
love, its so hard, i dont deny that. we both have the same limitations and it sucks to suck up all the time. ive been though it and im till going through it and i will still have to go through it. now, we understand how much it hurts both of us. and to read every ingle word you've typed for me in that text, it makes me feel so sad, so angry sometimes, with god to let us go through this without an end. sometimes, it hangs there on broken strings, than make a comeback for greater fall.
love, you know im always here for you. do hang in there and text me whenever you need me cause, i miss you real bad i need to know everything else asap when you're free. i have tons to keep you updated too and i really really hope we'll pull through this. lets fight it babe <3

and thats exactly what bothers me yesterday. like usual, the limitations cannot be eradicated. maybe soon but not yet. and to go through it for the past sixteen years and ongoing seventeen, it hurts. it kills me deeep inside and sometimes, comforting words doesnt really help all the time. i know there are people who really cares and really be there for me, well, not all, but a few, and im blessed with that. thats why sometimes, i shun myself away, hiding in my own shadows and not coming out of my shell. cause, it hurts to come out and get hurt. it hurts to keep going through the same thing again and again and again. im trying to fight it off but sometimes, people do lose in their own battelfield. all i need is the guidance. and i know god has his reasons to put me through something like this. just, give me that strength and patience and faith to carry on.

it takes time

like alcohol, you've got me drunk.

2009-10-23T21:10:00.004+08:00

sometimes, the most unexpected things happens and sometimes, its inevitable.

cause, just so you know, you got me drown all the time, like alcohol, you've got me drunk.

this heart, you enveloped it with so much care, just like you knew its so fragile.

amazingly amazing, you've awed me time and again.

♥

kill me with words

2009-10-23T00:19:00.002+08:00

i thought to myself the moment i got up. thousand and one questions launching itself right before me. i couldnt handle it any longer. my heart aches and its the same old feelings playing me once again. this heart lies. it lies to me so many times, it hurts me so badly. the tug-of-war game is never ending. the strings are being pulled time and again. it breaks so fast even without it being able to patch the pieces back. its tiring to keep on playing with this heart. i couldnt carry myself anymore.

i feel utterly disappointed with myself. such a disappointment to my pillars of strength. having to be able to be promoted is the most important goal on my list but achieving the desired grades was part of the goals too. sadly, it wasnt fulfilled and part of it means so much to me and especially my pillars of strength. i know everything is so different now. although i kept telling myself its back to square one, the smile i saw from my pillars of strength not long ago, is still stuck in my memory for that was when i made them the happiest person on earth. now, i fell again. though im old and wise enough,i feel that i should be wiser to achieve the goals that satisfy both mine and my pillars of strength. the moment i saw it myself, my heart sank so terribly because i wished i could drown my face into my palms too. but, i held back, knowing people are watching and til today, this heart can still never show me some mercy for i am shoving all these leftover feelings under the rug. it hurts. it really does. worst still, im still not crying that means, im bound for a greater fall soon. it scares me.

no,sometimes,i dont understand myself.

you be the anchor

2009-10-22T17:58:00.002+08:00

0912b

floorball girlssss <3

no matter what, im still not over it. i dont understand myself sometimes. ive yet to get out of this. really. this adds so much burden to myself and dont really get it. im not sure whats normal anymore. im so used to it.

sigh

just so gorgeous.

skinny

be with you, be with me.

2009-10-19T07:03:00.003+08:00

its not about how perfect you are but how perfect your willingness and determination is.

its not about how good you are but how good you tried to be.

its not about how well you are but how well you can be yourself.

and, i saw this words from a blog,

"when someone loves you, he never says you're hot. instead, he says you're beautiful. cause, not anybody can be beautiful."

"when someone loves you, he never fails to call you up in the middle of the night,listen to your voice, no matter how sleepy he is."

"when someone loves you, he would never leave you alone though he is not physcially there for you, he is always right beside you, in your heart."

dinner with ze family was bonding session and mummey's birthday is cominggggggggggg :)

cause i love it your way

just like a tattoo

2009-10-17T21:02:00.006+08:00

HAPPPY DEEPAVALI and HAPPY HOLIDAYS

Rat(above) is the person i've been blogging about and yess, i finally managed to get a nice picture of him and me. yayyyyyyyyy.

thanks for the little and many things you did for me :)

♥

like a tidal wave, it drags me to sea

2009-10-16T19:08:00.002+08:00

with much contemplation, i shall type what is within me. im still unsure how im going to put it in place but here it goes.

the past few months, was hell for me. my heart, was on strings, hanging and being pulled wth the game of tug-of-war. nobody could cut the strings but myself and being me, ive always been the one giving in, letting the emotions take over me, losing my battle, in my battlefield. i felt all so stranded and drowning in the deep ocean. falling time and again, faster everytime and barely breathing. it hurts so bad until today, it has yet to heal and recover fully. and there i go, having to let loose of something i should have let loose long time ago. perhaps, i shouldnt have been taken in by the honey and stars. i should have been more careful with my own heart. besides, someone once told me, its very hard to let it go but if you do, embrace the memories, though it kills.

then, these past few weeks were the opposite. somehow, less hell. my heart felt like its been wrapped with something so huge i couldnt get out of it. instead, i felt myself snuggly and comfortable. someone i once was a long time ago. long ago before i faced with the hell months. then again, i never deny that the unwanted and painful feelings still launch itself upon me to bring me back into the drowning ocean. falling down, down and down. however, i was caught time and again, my heart rarely hits the ground. it got me save from everything and i was surely awed by the ability of one person to do so many to me and makes me feel secure, out of the tug-of-war. indeed, i was very tired of the battle, feeling like giving up. but, that person never fails. never. thank god i found someone who is able to do that.

ive made someone happy today, making that someone 3/4 full because i ate proper food when i have been eating healthy food -.-
so proper food,to this person is, solid food, nothing soupy and yes, there you go, my 2.4runs all this week has gone down the drain by a set of Banditto pocket meal from KFC. sigh. gonna make up with more runs this weekend. also, in return, i managed to make myself happy to see someone happy. cause, i know i love surprises and when my surprises works, im always satisfied with myself.
:)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

wish u could keep it much longer

2009-10-15T20:42:00.006+08:00

schoool has been relatively okay because there's nothing much to think for but just stone at OP clinics and laugh and gather keypoints, note down notes and doing PW discussion. though school has been very loooong these few days, being all draggy, i guess, its bearable. complains are normal. heh.

the last time we had adam khoo's session, it was on time management. today, it was relationship module. relationship with family, friends and so called future life partner. i was listening to the trainer closely, taking whatever pointers i could cause, i know my relationship with family, friends and who knows in the future, is bad. anyhows, one thing that caught me off guard from today's module was that the love feeling we have inside us is due to chemicals in our brain. just chemicals, nothing physical actually. i was surprised and i couldnt accept that fact when it is a fact. in addition, the chemicals that would last the individual into the love feeling is just 2 years, maximum. it got me insecure and i was contemplating how on earth could couples stay on together after marriage for more than 2 years then? and so, the trainer went on to talk about strategies to rekindle the love feeling. than, i was secure once again, but still insecure. you know, some people never cherish what they already have right before them and they tend to go astray, thinking finding someone else may be the substitute to the one they called love, before. no offence but, this is reality though.

anyhows, back to the strategies. i was awed once again. the trainer made us do a quiz to make us realise our love type and it was indeed very very very true. i fell into the group of people that find quality time is the best way to rekindle the love and thats the major thing i look into in a relationship. kinda true. heh and someone is teasing me on that. tsk. but, quality time is indeed very very important to me and my family members, especially friends. oh my, still cant wait to date elvi bestieeee and fza looove during the hols! heh.

alright, sidetracked. to sum it up, it was a good module though it takes 4hours! phew, i survived. one more thing, im still lacking that self-esteem. tell me about it. i really dont know how to level that up when i kept comparing myself with others and feel insecure and inferior. sigh.

its like a song, singing in my head

pointing me on my way, was a path that led me straight to you

2009-10-13T14:45:00.004+08:00

PROMOS are officially OVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

The moment i left the school hall, i was gleaming with joy. My heart felt relieved and i just couldnt wait to let my hair down. It was dreadful the past few weeks, the months and the overwhelming burden. Right now, more focus on PW and MT. At least its much better just sigh, the results. I shall set that aside first.

I could not recall when was the last time i actually felt this way. Everything seems less overwhelming, less tense and less moody. Maybe, i tried my best to actually fight what i could and shove away what i couldnt. Though i wont deny how much it hurts when the lyrics falls into place, i know i have someone that is catching me through my fall. However, it means that i still have yet to get back up on my own feet and that, makes me insecure sometimes. I shall save the rest to myself and my private place.

Life's been -.-

Heh, but, ive got lotsa things in mind and PW is so not one of them. I hate PW.

Anyways, ive yet to plan a day with my girlssssssssssss for swimming and so that i could catch up with you ladies about everything cause i think the last time i saw you girls was nong nong time ago! Bestieeeeeeeeeeee, after your big O's okay?

Fza and Soff. OMG,i miss you girlss like HELL lot :'(

saaaaaaaaaab, i need to gossip with you ;)

Ive yet to settle down with my floorball girls too. Additionally, i need to get myself into a shopping treat. I need new clothes and i think i need another school U. Sheesh.

In a nutshell, i wanna treat myself on my own forever 17 daywhen everything is done and over with.

CANT WAIT!

toodles

your true colours are beautiful like a rainbow

pictures, frozen in time

2009-10-10T11:20:00.003+08:00

Promos have not ended. 2 more papers to go. the important ones, Physics and Chem. After which, PW WR submission to do, intensive Mother Tongue for Alevels on 2nd Nov. Inclusive of morning runs and hardcore trainings for upcoming friendlies.

The past few days have been relatively fine and im not sure why im so numb these days. Its a good thing cause it keeps the troubles away but im too afraid that im hiding so much it gets overwhelming later on. I know im trying my best to pull through and to keep up with the fight. This is what ive got to do.

Ive been thinking alot lately and it happens all the time in the midst of my revisions. Im not too sure why but maybe its because, i never let this out yet. its been within me and talking about it makes me feel insecure. somehow, i feel that its unfair to just see things at an angle. there's just so many that you could come up with to promise someone and yes, when everything is done over with, the past shouldnt be brought up for comparisons. sometimes, this is what they used to say, when you hold on to something too tightly, it will slip right through your hands. this what that has happened now. there's nothing you could do to undo what you did and mute what you've said.

cause, everytime im falling, you wont let me hit the ground

everytime our boat is sinking, you wont let me drown.

loose ends

2009-10-04T13:39:00.007+08:00

listening to soothing music, watching the colourful balloons and happy kids enjoying a birthday party, gazing out the window aimlessly, my heart still hurts. not as bad as it was months before. not as tough as weeks before. this heart, still screams for mercy but, part of my heart is slowly healing from the pain. its not easy to leave something that has been the one controlling you for months, almost a year.

ive been seeing fza love more often than any other of my girlfriends, which includes bestie. but, we never had enough. there's just so much to tell her and so much to hear from her. the good thing was that, both of us face the same challenges. limitations. one after another, it takes a toll on both of us. not only that, there's nothing we could do about it. sigh. the best part, the only person we both wanted to see was each other. sometimes, having to break free from this viscious world is the only remedy.

fza love, stay strong and hang in there. im always here for you<3

i still miss youuuuuuuuuuu babeeeeeeeeee :)

school has been a little bit worrying. there's just so much to do. but, this week was lighter with the encouragement and support from my dear raaaat. sigh, im so speechless and i shant say much. there's just too much i cant thank him for but be there for him when he needs me too :)
besides that, i think nothing much. i miss floorball badly. i miss the seniors. the senior's seniors and even my own girlssssssss. all we had was smiles but not much talking. and, nab, that day, the hug was, masyaallah. i miss you and talking and laughing with you :(

there's so much to update here. and i shall do so after my exams.

stitch it up with strings

2009-10-02T19:54:00.003+08:00

i want to blow bubbles like i could blow my troubles away.

i want to fly kites like i could fly as free as a bird.

tough week once again. and i can never thank you enough rat, for being there for me almost 24hours a day through the week.

thank youuuuuuuu rat <3

tripping over myself

2009-09-30T17:56:00.002+08:00

my heart couldnt take this pain anymore. the pain is killing me so deep, i thought i was about to heal but, it never did. the wounds are scarring me deeper. only me, myself and i will know how these feelings are killing me.

if i tell you it hurts, would you stop?

everything is too late now and my heart, its so bruised, i begged for mercy from god to give me the strength to carry on in this bleak world of mine. my mind is swirling with thousand and one commitments but i never asked so much but just for that strength to guide me through to the righful path. i cant face it anymore, i kept falling faster, i couldnt breathe.

i wished i could pour it out but all the time, the phonebook that has so many familiar numbers, i couldnt decide on any to pour it out. scrolling and scrolling, i decided to give up and switch it off. switch myself of the outside world, that is so evil and heartless.

this is what is left of me. take it all away and just stop the judgements.

sick and tired of this world,
there's no more air,
tripping over myself,
going nowhere.
waiting, suffocating.

building on something that was left hanging

2009-09-26T19:22:00.002+08:00

i had so much to share but when i wanted to settle down with a happy, neutral post, things happened so fast to switch myself back into the same old cliche things. this heart, cant go on anymore. this world, so bleak and viscious. so sick and tired.

bitter heart of mine, its getting fragile

2009-09-13T19:54:00.002+08:00

its never going to end just there. its never going to leave me alone. this heart, keeps lying, keeps falling, keeps breaking into pieces. its been a week of neutral and normal days, but, its back to reality once again. it hurts so badly. not as bad but still, it hurts. the pain, is suffocating me. tripping over and over again. the moodswings are taking a toll on me and nobody ever understands. all i could say is, its hurting me and nobody cares. louder im crying, harder and faster im falling.

i wish that its all okay for me. used to be. i tried my best to keep fighting this. but, i'll lose the battle, in my own battlefield. im tired of lying to myself, so as myself being tired of fighting against my own emotions. its not easy and its already not the first time. i hate this cycle, where i fall, then pick up, but fall again. im not even done with something, and im falling. its a tug-of-war. im sick and tired.

catch me when i fall,
be there for me, through it all.

you can have,what's left of me

2009-09-01T10:58:00.004+08:00

its not getting any better, but worst. my heart feels as cold as the mount everest, as bruised as the glass that pierced through my veins. when darkness falls, all i had was the past, haunting me, launching right back at me, shooting me like a gunshot. i couldnt carry on with this brusied heart of mine, im so tired of fighting. i kept being at the peak in the day but fall down again. its the same viscious cycle and its not ending. by far, its one of my worst fall ever. i couldnt combat them anymore. im giving up. im sick and tired of everything. i wished i was strong enough not to cry while fasting in this holy month, but, it wasnt on purpose, it just came streaming down like waterfall. i just cant carry myself up anymore.

to friends that were there for me lately, im really sorry not having to catch up on the things that are happening in your life cause, im not quite done yet with mine.

Falling faster,

Barely breathing,

Give me something to believe in,

Tel me its not in my head.

Take what's left of me,

Make me whole once again

holding on to something i couldnt grasp anymore

2009-08-23T07:40:00.002+08:00

ive been judged not once but for so many times and words means alot to me, to the person that has alot of thinking before typing or writing it down, because, its just how i felt and what it means to me. i dont need stereotypes and neither do i need people to think that im thinking of something they thought they were thinking too. its different. one phrase or words may mean differently to different individuals. its up to that individuals way of deciphering the meaning of the words.

ive been busy, with fasting month already here, im still surviving gym workouts, 5km, intervals to start soon and trainings that are upcoming on fasting month, plus friendlies i have to set for the girls. there are just too many. including all that, i still have tutorials, revisions for Mid-course that ive yet to do because im still here, struggling with new chapters and when one chapter ends, i am still trying to understand it but new chapter has begun. its never ending and i dont wish for domino effect. i want and i need to pull through this because, mid-course is promotional. i want to take my Alevels next year, although i kept whining about how i hated my combination of physics. plus, i dont want to be a disappointment to my parents. its all back to sqaure one now. idk if they know how much im going through but even if they do, i dont wish to worry them so much on the insecurities i am having plus school work. its taking a toll on me, but, i still need that strong front. additionally, i have new responsibilities for my girls, my team. i have that much to do. and it has not include the lead i have to make towards my younger siblings that i know needs my help on studies but i just kept failing to give them. thats why i feel im such a disappointment all the time. at home. its shooting me right at my head. i wished i could just give it all. but, im already doing my best. really.

with the fasting month, there's a crying need for guidance.

brink of just giving it in

2009-08-18T18:19:00.006+08:00

my heart is becoming heavier day by day. and so is my head. spinning. twirling. unsettled. too overwhelming. i couldnt hold them back but teared so hard. though how hard im trying to pull myself together, i kept falling. but, i dont even know what or why im crying. its just too much. and it hurts so bad. i couldnt control my tears anymore and just cry anywhere, anytime when it feels like it. i dont want my parents to worry about me either. i love them and that makes it harder for me. i dont have anything to say or tell them because, i cant convey the feelings that are playing me deep inside. it hurts and i wish i could just ask the person inside me to stop hurting me, cause, its killing me. its taking everything of me from the insides. its unexplainable.

thanks rat and fatin<33

wiping the tears, tracing the scars

2009-08-16T19:18:00.002+08:00

its so hard. its so intense. its so distant.

i'd do anything to help you out of it. anything.

the tears, i couldnt control anymore.

i dont know if i could stay strong in front of you or cry with you.

i love you love.

<3333

i really do.

cause, its the friendship that you have thought me all this while

grabbing me so hard

2009-08-15T01:15:00.002+08:00

it hurts so bad these days. im okay but i cant bear to see my own friend in deep agony and pain. i was crying so loud inside because i wouldnt want my friend to feel weaker. i want her to stay strong and though how painful it is for me and especially for my own friend, i just dont know how to help her. God, i seek solace from you. Have mercy and guide both of us through.

cause, thats all there is for now. really.

us against the world

2009-08-11T22:26:00.001+08:00

What does promises mean and how do you react when you receive one? Thats the question that has been left hanging in the air, unanswered and not evident. I’m tired of going through the same old thing, again and again. Its never ending. Everyday, its just the same doubts i have, i’m carrying throughout my entire day and now, its been throughout my entire years of life. Why should you promise someone in the first place when you cannot commit yourself to it or achieve the promises you have made to someone. The promises are very important cause, its a sign that will portray your personality towards the person you cherish. And, it seems that forgetting it is not an excuse.

Living in denial. I hate to be pretending its all okay when its too overwhelming, i couldn’t hold back any longer. Im sick and tired. Its so cliché, but, it isn’t as cliché as it sounds here. My mind and soul is all about the past and living in a life with full of insolemn promises and lies people i cherished gives me, sends tears down my cheeks, hands trembling, asphyxiating, wounding, so deep, its not even healed yet. Over and over again, its the same thing. May it be somewhere new, something new, but, its the same thing that would break me into pieces. Pieces you and even myself cannot mend it anymore.

Today, i think i had enough. The head is knocking myself to the doubts i have. And it hurts to realise that insolemn promises are here again. I don’t care if it comes from someone i’m not close to, but not from someone i shared my hugs, tears and laughters with. Its not okay. It hurts real bad. Like a razor to my wrists. I choked and couldn’t hold on to it any longer. I had to breakdown. I did. Tears streaming like a river. I thought i was mad, crying in the middle of the day but, i suppose, its too overwhelming. Like clouds couldn’t hold on to the water droplets anymore.

the world im living on, its sinking

with blood, i hug myself to sleep

2009-08-09T19:15:00.002+08:00

its changing and changing. it hurts so bad, i almost breakdown, but i kept choking the tears.

i have lotsa things to do. i really do.

My wish would be;

cause, i envy her, so much, i want that skinny bod, so badly.

like an invisible ink, it still stains

2009-08-07T14:10:00.002+08:00

Have been realllly bussssssssy this week. Assignments, PW, tests and practicals. Not to include CCA and misc. But, im glad the Floorball farewell party is done and thanks to those whom have helped, esp exco members and yes, the J2's that came down on time. Sigh, its really great to gather everyone together. And, i could now let my hair down since the long awaited and postponed party is done and over with. Lucky me, i had experience in organising something in secondary school, or else, im screwed.

Weekends gonna be long but i have tons of assignments and tests to study for. Additionally, im really being numbed these few days. finally, positive externality to third parties. i hope it stays fine. just there. i dont wish for anything weird.

busy busy busy with schoooooooool;

and more schoooooooool ;

p/s: ommmmmmmmmmggggggggggg finally saw you in person dearest zahra (:

it hurts, so bad

2009-07-31T19:20:00.002+08:00

a bad ending to the week and im still am pissed with things, and was pissed with it until i cried so hard, i cant breathe during my PW. everything screwed up big time and being such a give-in kind of person made me irritated by the fact that these people cannot be trusted anymore. once bitten, twice shy. everything is so screwed up. screwed up. i cant take this anymore. and, i may be the weakest person to always give in, always been taken advantage of, always been the one crying but deep down, i know, god knows. and liars will burn in hell.

up against the wall

2009-07-26T14:11:00.002+08:00

ive been okay these few days. just some downs that salted my wounds. its hectic and will be even more hectic as the weeks goes by. more things to settle and even with new responsibilities im taking over. plus, im not done with my malay hwk and PW. have been very busy with tutorials and really scruntinising details in lecture notes. i need to really really get my facts right. physics especially, is killing me once again and math and chem is making me frustrated when i couldnt solve them. math and chem sounds like Amaths to me here in JC. sigh. im rambling and i really have to. its been long since ive rambled here. plus, lecture hall is getting tooooooooooooo coooooooooooooooooooold this few weeks.

i want pink jacketttttttttttttttttt. i dont like my class jacket anymore :(

im facing this alone but i think i'll be alright. maybeeeeeeee.

words that kills

2009-07-22T21:29:00.003+08:00

i really feel like giving up on everything and everybody cause this world is just so evil. so evil that i cant put myself through anymore. im tired of letting people in and letting them promise me things that are just insolemn. everything is a lie. i cant face anymore of it. it is really tiring to keep having people by your side for one time and than, they are gone. gone for a moment. then, back again. its tiring to keep facing it cause, its like im just a tissue paper that is used only when needed. dont they ever think how ironic they may be to keep promising this and that but eventually, they are just contradicting it? im sick and tired of this.

its not the first and it wont be the last. throughout my years, its the same old thing. nothing is new to me, but, the pain scarred me deeper cause im not over it. im not.

what is left for me? what is left of me?

Finally floorball training today. i missed it so much.
fitness. fitness. beep test. 2.4km.
very very shocked but motivating.

unwritten pages, incomplete paragraphs

2009-07-19T17:21:00.003+08:00

it hurts cause im in the midst of recovery and sometimes, i let it in so easily, i kept failing in myself.

it hurts cause in the midst of hurting, even my good friend is facing another toughest part of her life.

it hurts cause a day with my family today made me ate a good healthy meal but now, i feel like cow.

it hurts so bad. my friend and i wanted to be fighters to fight it off, but now, things are changing things and what has happened, happen. its going to be a tougher week with more challenges to fight and more thorns pricking us through that fight.

i should say this to myself too, but, love, stay strong<3

building on secrets

2009-07-16T18:54:00.003+08:00

life's not getting any better. so much. too much. i really had enough of everything in my life right now. im so sick and tired of everything. nothing seems in place. pieces dont fit anymore. more contemplation, more tears. im so tired of lying to people that im okay. im not but they wont understand. smiling may be a positive externality but its not to me cause, the fake smiles are so fake. right now, smiling isnt even the slightest thing in my mind to do. neither is talking. all this while talking only when needed and talking to convey to sab. that's all. i feel so mute but i really have nothing else to say to anybody or everybody anymore. everything is controlling me and im not controlling myself. i dont remember the normal 'me' anymore. its been long since i was the normal 'me'. im changing everything. or things are changing to me.

i need a break. i really do. everything is making me exhausted and irritated and frustrated and everything. its tiring. i dont wish to lie to people but neither do i wish to keep pretending. contradictions after contradictions. seems like nothing could make me keep up with life anymore. im at the brink of giving up with myself. im so sick and tired of myself sometimes, i just felt like this world is too bleak to live in anymore. i dont know what's going on with myself. i really dont. i dont remember the normal me. its been long. i cant even figure it out or get anything started back to the normal days.

good note, ive passed all subjects for this summer exams with full credit points. yes, average but better than failing. ive got lots to do to attain better results and get promoted end of this year. i dont want to be a disappointment which i know im always one to my parents. sigh. and another happy note, i got a replacement fot my pink earpiece. iLuv , hotpink is my new pinky.

p/s: i never needed anyone for judgements

falling faster

2009-07-12T14:44:00.002+08:00

its because its weekends and time are all on my side. despite having done and completed all tutorials, revisions and PW EoM, i am still having so much time. and still drawing mindmaps in my sketchbook. still having blasting musics from my ipod. still browsing websites for preparation of Alevel Malay orals tmr. everything still has not taken away these broken heart from the past. its seriously burning me and killing me so deep. i hate it. i hate these contradictions im having. i hate what im feeling deep inside me. nobody could understand. i never needed words to convey them. neither do i need voices to share them with people. but, sometimes, some other things could be a substitute to these pain and agony. i have too many on my mind. im really drowning. falling faster. bleeding profusely. deep inside, noone would ever know but myself. ive tried to preoccupy myself. nothing could stop these feelings. its hurting me real bad.

listening to: Hush Hush by Pussycat Dolls, Be with you by Akon.

shadows fill an empty heart

2009-07-10T18:28:00.002+08:00

no, obviously, not a good week.

results are out for chem, math and phy.

lets just say i passed and have 6 points for promo already, which is the minimum requirements. therefore, with malay and GP and econs, i hpe more points could be attained. but, its not goood and more needs to be done for the upcoming Midcourse exams which i guess is in 13 weeks time. i have Alevel malay orals on Monday plus, EoM due today and is completed as well as tutorials to be done.

brighter side of life though, im out of the freaking health club, and yes, 4.1kilos more to see my ideal weight. i need to maintain that. plusssss, i have school keeping me preoccupied that makes me shove the problems away under the rug.

mood: so pissed. get out of my face.

bigger scars make better stories,

2009-07-06T09:25:00.002+08:00

the tears had finally made its way down

it hurts so bad that every tear burns my cheeks and warmth my lips

p/s: thanks you, you and you whom lift me up when im falling apart and giving up.

sometimes you hold something so tight, it slips right through your hand

2009-07-04T15:46:00.002+08:00

im still holding onto this broken heart of mine to carry me through everything. although it hurts so badly, i withstand it. compounding to that effect, i have something else that's adding the pain inside me. all twisting and turning. all just going haywire. but, ive got to carry on with it. i have to. sick and tired, i am. but, i dont see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore.

With the new term that awaits, i have some things to be done. more morning runs before thursday for weight-taking and i hope to hear, "you're out of the club." thats all. i dont want anymore weight taking as its unbearable. and plus, tutorials to be done which im halfway through. ive done physics which is the first time doing it all by myself and all my answers were correct. i feel so achieved, but, sigh. i know im supposed to be taking a short break before tuesday but, it feels so weird without books or writing. and, its no more holiday cause, new term, new goals. ive gotta change everything. besides, things have changed for me.

i miss floorball trainings. i really do. i miss simple drible. simple double. i miss the teammates and J2's and seniors like ayuni and tasha and all. its been veryyyy looooong. and with no boys team for my batch, its even lonelier for the girls of my batch. sigh. sigh. plus, i miss bestieeeee and the girls <3

i know im so bussssy but i'll try to gather all of you for a day of swimming.

and, sab, i miss you already.

i feel like im dying and im giving my last few words. is that how painful the journey is getting for me?

tomorrow, i may not get by

2009-07-03T14:35:00.002+08:00

can it get any easier?

fine, summer exams are over and physics was okay. but it is worrying cause, results will be out very fast. and, im really not prepared for the new term. brand new term. more agony. more load. i wished it would just end here. i am really not ready for PW that is already killing me halfway. EoM, WR and even OP that is upcoming. All at once. And, having more commitments. Its like, i really dread all that. i know, im in a college but im tired. really, so exhausted with everything. im working very hard but nobody seems to acknowledge that. that is the coldest and hardest truth that the world is.

im not going to let things down like the previous term. i really need to make full use of this new term. really, i must. its killing me.

plus, i need to start on my tutorials before the brand new term starts on tuesday. dreadful. the scarriest thing would happen and that is only up to me to determine it. i really need that inspiration and that support to let me get by the tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, the day after the day after tomorrow. practically the rest of the year. its so hard to carry that heavily broken pieces inside me throughout and knowing its going to break, again.

empty

2009-07-02T14:57:00.004+08:00

at times, it speaks a thousand words because, yes, i do deserve an award for the best pretender. i think im crying no more. cause, im hiding it all behind those eyes. im just sweeping it under the rug. its a bad sign but i think the tears are waiting for the best time to roll down.

p/s: sick and tired

a little too much

2009-07-01T17:52:00.002+08:00

okay, i know how my posts may be such a pain for some people to keep reading emo posts time and again and i dont need comments cause its my blog anyway. see, judgements. -.-

summer exams. sigh. BIG SIGH. i have physics paper left this friday and that marks the end for Summer Exams. Malay and Chem was killer. i felt like crying for studying so hard but it was futile. And, physics, being the most CMI subject ever, i have to give my best to have a better state of being promoted next year. really. even if thousands come to me and say failing summer exams is okay cause everyone did it too last year and still promoted, i will put on deaf ears cause, i'd believe only when god tells me that. at the end of the day, you might never know i'd be the unlucky one.

brighter note, ive seen myself getting better with math and hope to better for sciences. really, aint joking. im worrying.

Miserably miserable

2009-06-27T09:12:00.002+08:00

Things are not getting better for me. So many. Too many. The problem why im still smiling is because im so numb. numb with everything. its really exhausting to keep feeling this way cause it goes to show that im hiding all my feelings, my angst, my disappointment, my pain by faking that smile on my face. wiping it off is not easy and its scaring the hell out of me. im so good at pretending, now, im suffering even harder deep inside that i will break soon. its not gonna last long with that fake smile.

And, im very nervous. 2 more days. its really part of my life where i'll make it or break it.

beautifully broken

2009-06-23T13:56:00.003+08:00

shits. everything is so shitty now. everything. i couldnt hold back these words from here. i just have to vent it. what's wrong with these people? expecting holidays. you're just waiting for your ownself to enjoy by letting people suffer and infected and fall ill. so the more, the merrier and than you can enjoy it all for yourself. how cruel. do you know how painful it is to be in the shoes of those infected people. what are you people thinking? think twice before voting. selfless.

and with something i cant possibly wait, and its not happening, my insides are twisting and turning. its all so messed up right now. everything is falling apart. one by one. i mean, ive been thinking about when was the last time i felt so happy. this is overwhelming. can time just stop now? i dont want myself broken into pieces. i mean, further into peices. pieces no one could put them back.

i hate these emotions that are being a bitch. its roller coaster ride. i just cant combat them anymore. its eating me up slowly. dont keep asking me why? i hate why? i'll never answer them. why is such a bad question cause it'll break me further. but if you're asking me what's wrong, its everything. everything. its all broken and wounded and gone.

when it all falls apart

2009-06-17T15:19:00.004+08:00

its not over now. never will be. whereever i go, whatever i do. it is still inside me. within me. the pain, the grief, the sorrow, the wounds that are not healed. i couldnt figure out what made me feel this way. i tried so hard to look for the brighter side but what's the brighter side when the darkness outweighs them all.

i had to run away from reality. i had to choke the tears. i had to swallow the guilt. i had to bit the lips away from the pain. i had to bite my tongue away from conveying the truth. the truths that hurts the most. the truths that nobody would know. the truths that nobody would bother to hear. so i kept my mouth shut. shut from everything. i let myself, all alone in the dark. i let the world judge me, as they will judge me anyways. though wrong and cruel and insensitive, they'll never listen.

the cruelty that life is in store for everyone is the worst off than anything. the insensitiveness. the evil doings. everyhting felt like a knife. i wished i could just float in the midst of air, away from the pain, guilt, sorrows, piercing words, the reality that bleeds the hell out of me. i couldnt predict the future. the future where there would be more pretense, pain, cruelty and unhappiness. its coming. its coming to bleed the and cut me wide open. i couldnt let go of the pasts and couldnt stop this pretense. without pretense, i swear life would be far off worst. more debatable questions. more painful words that will slit my throat. more bleades that would tear me apart. i cant face it. its too overwhelming. let it disappear.

all alone to go through this disguise that the world is giving me. just let me be free. its been years. i want it all to just end. i wished for a better chapter. a true tomorrow.

"Feels like I'm drowning

I'm screaming for air

Louder I'm crying

And you don't even care"

take this pain away

2009-06-14T20:53:00.003+08:00

ive yet to open my eyes and ears to many more things that are awaiting for me in the future. However, the one's ive seen and heard are not giving me the anticipation for the latter. The past few years were nothing but full of pain, grief and tears. Life is so hard to catch up with. as years goes by. time passes so fast that it waits for none. everything ends in a blur. my mind still swirls to recollect the past. although i wanted so much to move one, the pasts still haunts me and until today it harboured inside me. too much to handle, i'll breakdown. i'll fall. then,to pick up again, the every smile leaves another sorrows behind. the guilt to keep pretending is killing me. but, i had to. i hate to talk about it to people time and again. especially new friends ivemade here and there. nobody understands. nobody would listen well enough. nobody could solve it. nobody could make me feel better about it. even if they do, its not enough. they dont go through it. they are not in my shoes.

i hate to lie. but i did. i did it so many times. for years, to be exact. still pretending. still keeping. still lying. still begging for answers. i mean, i hate it when friends keep asking me to join them for movies or shopping or class outing and i have to turn them down. i hate it to just smile and drool over the excitement than at the end of the day, bid goodbye by saying I have plans. but who would understand? a 17 year old still holding on to curfews? yes, they do have it too but why they could still enjoy it and still keeping to the curfews they promised to the pillar of strength? is it all too much to ask for? i vividly remember how being able to achieve this and that would give me a better tomorrow. i worked so hard these past few years. the very least, 10years of education. i vivdly remember all that, hoping for that better tomorrow but it never came. it was never revealed. its still the same now. its frustrating. i find it all a lie. a liei kept swallowing and keeping. am i right to say that the world is full of lies too? its sickening and bothering. life isnt that fun or exciting as how it was when i was still four or toddler. so free with time, so fun with playgrounds. so full of laughters and joy. so happy with food. now? its so full of problems, school, contradictions, lies, hypocrisy, pretense, pain, sorrows and melancholy.

i dont see why living means alot to people anymore. its too ardous and sickening. the pain, the wounds my heart is filled with just got salted time and again. its not recovering. its all just wounded and bleeding.

i hate people that come and go. although i knew it would happen and its ineveitable. i hate friends that gave insolemn promises. its like hopes that were crushed. crushed. sandcastles that we built, falls like ashes of cigarettes. i hate how the world treats people so differently. so what if she's fat? she aint a a good friend? so what if she's hot? she's the friend that is true to you and only you? life is becoming like a bitch. to have a friend or friends that are true to you is like searching for a needle in a haystack.

why again is life so important? i forsee much more complicated life in future. the aftermath now is already killing me deep inside. slowly and eventuallythe wounds would hurt so bad. im really broken. heavily. i dont know what else to do. pretend? lie? swallow them all?

i preferred this to be left alone. i want to just keep moving forward. but, i know i'll fall, time and again. lying to myself, pretending to the world. my ipod has been my company to have that blasting music plugged into my ears, lost into the music, away from the world. the lyrics that made me cry so hard or recollect the pasts. how long will this all carry on? for as long as i could handle it within me.

p/s: this deafening silence means nothing to noone but me.

confessing all the faith i had in you

2009-06-13T14:57:00.002+08:00

The naked truth is, life is too much to handle. Face the fact that nothing is so easy and nothing is perfect. Remember how childhood was? All so free and easy? All were nothing but just cry, eat, sleep, play and worry nothing? How fun life was then. Again, the cold hard truth is, we were all deceived how easy life was in the early stage.

Now, tell me about it. Even if you're pretty, you're just searching for guys to look at you, or perhaps, finding for someone suitable, perfect. Again, is there anyone that is perfect? Even if you're smart, so what? You're not the smartest anyway. And, you have many competitors to compete with which has not included the foreign talents. Even if you're skinny, you're never satisfied. You still look at the stick-thin models as your inspiration. Damn,beauty and brains. These are so typical for eveyone. In fact, I, myself am chasing for it too.

Hopes. How far could it stand? Is it still relevant in your life today? Despite the hundreds and thousands of hopes you have hoped for all these while and only 1% of it were true?

"Ideals of better tomorrow are too often eloquently laid out before the masses only to be ripped asunder by corruption, self-interest and stupidity. And so it goes on, we accept disillusionment as a way of life; we allow our conscience to slowly die; we respond to hope by calling its bluff, protecting ourselves from what seems to be the ineveitable disappointment that follows."

That, is so true.

The awesome, the nerd and the kerang

2009-06-11T18:31:00.002+08:00

These are my lovely triplets!

I still miss the two of you the many many.

How i wish we could still go back to school and feez still my partner in class.

All, Soffey's photography(:

And im exhausted. Very very exhausted.

I have another experiment to do tmr for PW.

It fears me to think of it.

the ones that i cherish

2009-06-10T18:15:00.003+08:00

Alright, i know my life has been nothing but just school and more school. But, i finally met my lovely triplets today! My loves! FINALLY!

Hehe

Im so glad to see the two familiar faces this morning and having some catching up to do!

Damn, i bet you it aint enough. kan?

I seriously missed Soffey and Feez and this really made my day.

And, i still miss them!

Anyways, i'll post pics when ive gotten them.

Love love.

tmr, study date and i have yet to do my EoM.

Im still studying for my summer exams. This is all so much.

Im starting physics tmr and its gonna be hell.

I cant do physics for Nuts!

Aite, before i end, i miss.....

my floorball teammates and seniors and trainings!

my voice crying loud

2009-06-06T19:21:00.002+08:00

Damn, GP topic, Mass Media took me more than half a day to study. That includes all the multiple tries i had for some popular questions, topic sentences and even examples to provide concrete evidence. Im so dead. There's still few more topics. Youth, Crime and Punishment, etc.
And, my Malay is not done nor revised.
Chemistry, a chapter more to go plus Maths; which falls on the same day for my exam. Freak.
Physics, i have not started. Next week.
And, damn, PW's EoM.
WTH.
I know, its just a week of hols.
But, i so cant relax.
Forgot one more, Econs. This is so gonna kill me.
Naaaaaaaadddddddddddd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

honestly

2009-06-04T13:30:00.002+08:00

Alright, im sure its the holidays for many people and obviously, its suppossed to be an enjoyable one. But, reality check, i have been busy with revisions the past 4 days of the holidays.
Yes, study dates by the pool with Sabrina has been fun and effective.
Studying Chemistry and Maths.
Besides that, I had 3 days and 2 nights camp at NUS Temasek on last friday, saturday and sunday. Honestly, i had a great time. Making new friends of the debate team of different Junior Colleges and Madrasahs and even Polytechnics.
It was nice but tiring.
Had amazing race at Memorial and Esplanade. Very interesting.
Plus, someone saw me on tv on Berita last Sunday about the debate thing.
Okay, we didnt won but we gave our best shot though(:

Alright, i have many more to revise for the upcoming Summer Exams when school re-opens.
I vivdly remember last year preparing for MidYear and now, its Summer Exams.
I fear this alot. ALOT.
Ive yet to hear from GF's for swim okay?
Please, do text me.
(:

sandcastles falls like ashes of cigarettes

2009-05-28T19:36:00.002+08:00

Lets view it this way.
Ive got many too spill. Many to convey, but its just left unsaid.

The clouds are like the uncountable problems that are clouding up my mind. The sandcastles ive built are falling like ashes of cigarettes. The pouring rain that falls relentlessly are portraying the mornings and nights i faced these days. The scarred and bloodied murdered person portrays the condition of my heart that is deep inside me. wounded, bloody-red, in pain, dying, suffocating, screaming.
Everything has becoming too much for me to handle that the best could just turn out to be nothing cause nobody cares for it. Nobody cherishes it. All they could do is blame. Blame and more blames.
And, being selfless isnt just from a point of view but from many points of view instead.

Im tired, exhausted and sick of all the lies, betrays, masks people put on, shits people throw, swears and harsh words that threw upon me.
Speaking of which, its not true for all cases.

Ive lost faith in everything, everyone, with life, with people, with whatever thats surrounding me. It sucks to walk around and feel dirty, rusty, ugly and disgusting because, knowing that nobody could be trusted.
All this while, it was just a useless attempt and effort.

With a tear in my voice,
"Where were you when i needed you the most?"

Im know i musnt lose my faith in him, but, why is it so hard for me to grasp these feelings and faiths. I have so many things i wished i could tell him, but, why, why must you plan my life so difficult for me to handle, so difficult for me to go through it. I feel disgusted of myself.

Too much unhappiness at once.

Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded

Screaming

2009-05-24T19:09:00.002+08:00

Okay, i have alot to settle before i execute my plans for the one month hols.
FIRST is my SUMMER TEST when school reopens. If i fail, i forsee an extra year in JC.
SECOND, trainings for Floorball carnival.
THIRD, study dates with the lovely saaab and lihuiiii.
FOURTH, the meet-up i have not confirm with the lovely secondary school mates. AKU miss the Feez and Soffeey the many many.
FIFTH, i still have floorball and class outing.

EH, walao, organiser, HELP ME ley!
:(

Have i told you that i bought a book as my organiser? And, Lihui showed me a book (not pink) but was waaaaay cooler than mine? OMG, so freaking jealous. hahahaha.
Kay, not. Just, i cant resist the cute stuffs la pleasssseeee.
Someboday at AMK MUST go buy for me. Hehehe.
(:

Alright, im so trying hard to be happy. Damns.

cry me a river

2009-05-20T19:16:00.002+08:00

Alright, i have alot of things to do.
ALOT.
And, the fact that my Malay Debate 4PM has already started, i have alot to do.
Tutorials, revisions, PW, research and preparation for Debate.
There will be a camp for preliminary round next fri and weekend. Im really nervous and still preparing.
Currently, researching. Stopped to blog for awhile.

Need i say more?
Its really tough for me and many others.
I didnt plan to come to JC and enjoy but instead, pursue my dreams and enjoy the ride.
I do love things I am going through now except the minor minor things that isnt trivial anymore.
Lots to think for, but, lemme get back to work.
Chiao.

sobbing so hard

2009-05-16T15:47:00.002+08:00

Sighs.
Life's so hard to catch up with.
I swear, i feel numb all the time.
Than, so sensitive at times.
Night falls and all i felt was a heavy heart that makes me uncomfortable.
I couldnt help crying my eyes and hearts out but it certainly makes me feel better.
The late nights kept me in exhaustion and i just needed time alone.

The mornings in school was just so calming that i fell in loove with the school's Grandstand.
Sab and mine, favourite place in the mornings.
Either we will play floorball all alone to vent frustrations or soothe ourselves and chit chatting at the grandstand, whose scenery is perfect. (Masyaallah)

These emotions are overwhelming.
I cant describe it.
Seriously, its eating me up.
Little by little, im crashing.
My heart is heavily broken.
Im screaming out and nobody could listen.
Im silently sobbing and knowing nobody cares.

People just come and go. And, you will never know who really cares for you or who really treat you as a friend.

p/s: IMY bestie. Great chit chat the other day. It feels like so loooong!
:)
pp/s: Thanks sab! love you.

I'll be the wings

2009-05-11T12:02:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, for mother's day, my mum's side had a small get together and there were soooooo many foooood.

I was so tempted to eat everything, but, i have to take weight on thursday and do my 2.4km run plus, ive just lost a kilo this week, so cannot, never, gain back.

And, its worst to take weight and didnt have any changes.

Ms Agnes, my PE teacher have been telling me, 3 more kilos, you can do it! I dont want to see you in the Health and Fitness camp.

Sigh, sigh, sigh.

3 more kilos! Ive already lost a freaking 12 kilos, and now, 3 more kilos sounds like forever man!

Anyhows, it was nice to see people you rarely see, esp, when youre busy like bee, like me!

Hahaha, and yea man, im so busyyyy.

OMG.

Its like, very sad you know. Okay, now im ranting.

Besides that, ive tried some of the summer test questions for Chemistry and i think i just passed. I must buck up.

Summer's test in a month's time!

I still have GPP to submit and also, during the hols, need to collate data for PW, blah, blah, blah.

Screw PW man. GAH.

Okay, ive completed almost everything needed to be done, except my Physics tutorials and assignments.

Anything to do with Physics, i dont know how to do.

I CANT DO PHYSICS FOR NUTS!

Im so gonna die.

All i could do is read lecture notes and cry, cause, i still CANNOT do my tutorials.

Pathetic.

Gosh, God, i have faith in you. Really, the evil will be punished. My heart's trembling knowing that i have to let it go for you to handle this.

You'll be the anchor

2009-05-08T17:39:00.002+08:00

Okay, its been long since ive update, since im too busy with school.

Last thursday, Adivs for Floorball started for me and my teammates. And, the match with RJ was definitely not an easy one. However, we did put up a good fight. We lost.

And, Monday, match with MI, was okay. We won 2-0 and i scored a goal(:

Wednesday, match with YJ, was another difficult one and we lost.

Lastly, the last game of our lives, i mean, for Adivs, was definitely a good ending.We won 4-0.

After all that, i even had 4 tests in a day. And, it wasnt easy i tell you.

Somehow, the fatigue and other personal problems are too overwhelming, i couldnt combat my emotions.

But, Sab was very nice to actually comfort me. And, im very happppy for her(:

Besides, im seriously happy with the long weekend. Gotta mug, mug and mug. Plus, lotsa assignments, esp, tutorials.

Im here to make a difference. A better individual and hopefully, with god's will, everything will fall into place.

I know, i musnt lose faith.

I musnt.

N.e.v.e.r

lethargy

2009-04-30T19:22:00.002+08:00

Okay, the days are passing by like shooting stars across the skies.

Nothing is there to wait for me, nor for anyone.

The things that sucks, i had to endure and sucked it up again.

The things that i laughed for, i had to make full use of it and change the mode, again.

Time and again, things seemed too overwhelming and breaking down isnt the only thing that happened.

Yes, perhaps, thinking too much DID affected me.

I wanted so much to achieve something too.

Not everyone understands you.

And, sometimes, you'll have to face the fact that you'll be all alone someday.

It sucks, i know, i went through it.

And, who is there for you later?

Do family members that care, or friends that is by ur side during the ups or etc?

Life's so hard these days.

I felt it all like a gunshot.

3more matches to go next week.

aisyah, the goalie and me(:

Im really bewildered with the thousand and one emotions engulfing within me.

Shit

2009-04-25T17:51:00.001+08:00

No, this time i mean it, its too overwhelming.

Im so not okay.

All around me

2009-04-24T20:56:00.002+08:00

Its been, 'You Found Me' by the Fray, and 'All Around Me' by Flyleaf, as well as 'Dont Forget' by Demi Levato.

Gosh, time and again, life is so unpredictable such that Im going insane.

Life's so hard to catch up with.

At times, i ask myself if Im still alive, or if Im really in a fantasy, with nothing but just school and more school.

I mean, im not regretting just that, I feel, sometimes, people cant understand you.

Get what im driving to?

Sigh, its so damn hard.

Only God knows it all.

Okay, chem test and first A div match on thursday.

Yar, im in school team, have i said that yet?

Okay, ive just did.

lost and insecure

keep holding on?

2009-04-18T19:20:00.003+08:00

Ok, life has been sucky.

I mean it.

Nothing is easy. Nothing will be.

Im still adapting. Still working hard. Still consulting. Still emotionally disturbed.

I mean, nobody seems to understand my emotions.

I may sound fine but its not as fine as you think.

I dont care but i feel that everything is just against me.

Anyhow, breaking down seems so embarassing.

I ever told myself, breaking down was alright, but, in class, its gonna be a different side of me.

I mean, i really am good at pretending.

But, the things that overcame me and everything that i kept for too long, made me spill the tears like spilling beans.

Damn, i feel so weak.

No, not because i am so stressed up but i guess, hmmm, i'd keep it to myself.

Classmates are loved.

And, i really am lucky to have these classmates of mine, that includes, chicken little(shi hong) haha, danial, sufyan and nas whom are sooo nice to me. I mean, they really are lor.

Ok, bye.

ouch

dont know why

2009-04-14T23:39:00.003+08:00

its kinda late now.

been editing my 2nd draft of PW PI.
Gahh, by far, one of the most "i dont care subject".
However, having to see majorily of my seniors in J2's scoring A's, it urged me to bother ALOT on PW.
And, im really glad the ideas ive had and done-d in my drafts were not SO bad such that my tutor thinks its okay.
I mean, someone like him never agreed so positively.

So, i do feel a sense of achievement.
AND, you know what he actually said to me when i asked him about my PI?
My ideas are okay but the examiners reading it might not be impressed.

So, evaluation?

My ideas are okay but not creative enough.
This is what will happen as you mature, you never get direct questions and direct answers.
You have to derive yourself.

Ah yes, cause, i was so confident that either one of the muslim stalls in my school might sell noodles, but none did.
So, after almost to 5months, ive tasted my 2nd plate of rice.
Yea, you heard me. RICE.
Im so dead. My weight's maintaining, not reducing.
Pathetically, yes. Im very sad.

so much, too much

2009-04-14T19:07:00.003+08:00

Life's not how it used to be.

I sorta like how Olevels were stressful for me, but having the facts in my hands.

Instead of enjoying life now socially, with classmates but not having facts in my hands at all.

Ok, maybe, some facts but ot ace-ing it.

You know what i mean?

Darn it.

Floorball training tmr :D

AND that's the only entertainment in a JC.

I mean, chillax time.

more sighs.

Delayed pictures

2009-04-10T13:07:00.007+08:00

Ok, as promised, some delayed pics.

So, lets start with sports day. There were more but, come on, a few speaks a million words.

Sagi, our Mascot.

Hehehe.

AND, Sagi was the champion houseeee...

Wohoo!

Some of the ever-loving classmates of mine. Haha.

Exclude the yellowshoes.

And again(:

Taken by Danial and the camera is Fatin. Love this pic. I feel like an Olympic Gold Medallist. Nyahahahha. Oh, thats me and sufyan btw. 8X50m champion.

ok, some camwhoring moments of the week.

The Nad and Nab.

The 0912B girls! We rock.

Oh, Vaishali is missing.

AND, this is cliched but whatever.

i love my classmates. 0912B!

best of the best.

2009-04-09T20:13:00.002+08:00

Finally, no school tomorrow and ive got plans for myself. Well, obviously something got to do with my revisions. DUH.

Okay, so yes, this is by far one of the best weeks although, my phy test sucks and re-test next week. Its not me, netiher it is my class, but i think its just jinx la. Evening test? WTH.

So, yes, my school had sports day on wednesday. It was by far, one of the bestest sports day ive ever had in my entire life.

I participated in 400m, 1500m, 4X400m and 8X50m.

And, ive got 4th for 400m, which i thoguht im gonna be last and 5th for 1500m.

HOWEVER, say hi to your gold medallist of 4X400m and 8X50m. Hehehe.

Seriously, the sports day was such that it was an olympic games. Hahaha.

AND, the best part, I HAD FUN!

My civics group sat together and we were spending time together, although, me, sufyan and ratheshan were participants.

They were very sweet to cheer me on as I ran and than, Shi Hong(the one looked like chicken little) actually helped to fan me. Also, danial(the scientific man) actually helped me refill my water bottle. I felt like i was some princess. LOL. Okay, joking. BUT, we were all so enthu, cheering and screaming and laughing and just being ourselves.

Best part, we were supposed to take our attendance, but, instead, we took pictures and camwhore. Even Nas, our CG rep, joined the club. Hhahaha, baik ah. One for all, all for one.

Oh, when going up the podium to get my medal, ratheshan actually cheered my name and some others too. They are all so sweeet. LIKE, OMG.

Not forgetting, my bestest laughing gas, Fatin who kept telling me to be reminded of her when im running, for inspiration. "Do i look freaking cute?"

Wth(inside joke)

I promise pictures and plus, the gold medallist(konon), me and sufyan for 8X50m.

Hahaha.

Okay, im done. Ive got to revise and oh, i heard, my group's GP podcast was one the best.

Hehehe.

Amacam? My team what?

Right Nas? Right Shi Hong?

We rock!

P/S: im selected for malay national debate for my school. Should I? Shouldnt I?

Madness

2009-04-03T18:51:00.002+08:00

Firstly, OMG, its been weeks and yea, friday is ending soon?

Wth.

Do you even realise that time passes so fast? I did.

I mean, I didnt had time to even touch the lappy to blog. OMG. Wtf.

Ok, its been crazy i tell you. Assignments, evening lectures, trainings, meetings, consultations and thats all.

Morning, as early as 6.30am, I'll make up my revisions and preview of lectures till 7.50am than, lessons till 6pm or 7pm.

Plus, trainings on wed and fri.

Finishing up assignments and doing my Preliminary Ideas for PW A levels.

OMG, i think i have more to rant.

In short, Im soooooo bussssy. I have no time to socialise.....

Hahhaha, ok, at least i did in my school.

I mean, makan buds, floorball mates, etc, etc

AND, I repeat, MY CLASS ROCKS MY SOCKS.

hahaha.

Alrighty, lots to do for weekends.

Essays after essays and FA on Monday.

Chem is loved but it keeps demoralising me.

Phy sucks, but, I shall not give up.

A divs coming up, i hope im in the team, i mean, not all J1's are selected, so i hope i can do my best for IJ.

GTG.

IMY alot of people!!!!!

contemplative

2009-03-30T19:54:00.002+08:00

camp was fun.

laughters, jokes.

morning run, trainings.

dinner, breakfast.

But, most importantly, prayers.

All the beloved muslimahs prayed together.

It felt great.

The lovefor our religion and Allah.

Weekend homeworks are piling up and I find that sometimes, tutors just are being wayy unreasonable.

Seriously, gahhh.

And, GP is FUN!

I still cant decide on my jersey number.

Ahhh, i wanted 12, my fav! Ahhhhhh, shall make do with 21.

Tutorials.

CHIAO.

P/S: IMY GF'S AND LOVEDONE.

What Ive been up to?

2009-03-26T22:10:00.003+08:00

Oh well, two words.

No life.

This is the most excruciating week ive ever had so far. I feel so f***ed up with so many things to do but so lil time.

Assignments piled up in seconds and trust me, physics aint easy to be done. Gosh, physics isnt helping man. Im so uber demoralised and that happens non-stop throughout the week with all the bad grades.

Despite spending so much time revising, the application done during test was, .....*poof*

Goner.

wtf.

And, was talking to Sab the other day.

If it wasnt for Floorball trainings or mates, Life is such a sucky ride.

Love my teammates and classmates.

Oh, Ive not done research for my PW.

Ive got Chem test on Monday. Im already so scared.

Darn it.

And, my physics video on forces and moments, suck.

Sheesh..

Life's so hard.

I dont feel myself in this world.

I feel lost in the woods. Perhaps, floating among the clouds.

GAhhhhhhh.

Im gonna rant and rant.

Hate it? Leave.

WOHOOOOO, FLOORBALL camp is tmr!

yes, i do.

2009-03-23T21:22:00.002+08:00

Perhaps, things changed AGAIN.

But, matters of heart is something we must look into.

Lets start anew.

Kinda busyyyyy..

Tests are demoralising, but, nonetheless, Ive gotten an A for GP.

WTH?

Serious? I cant believe it either.

taggy

2009-03-21T18:44:00.002+08:00

Okay, after not having the tagboard for a few months, wait, actually, a month.

I decided to put it back for awhile. Be nice.

Also, the number came and I was really surprised and happy to see it appearing on my screen. I know it sounds stupid of me to see it but I cant help it. I cannot deny what I am feeling now. Im really not in favour in doing such a decision but for the long run, I suppose, we both foresee the difficulties and to endure it through, isnt at all that easy.

As cliched as this may sound, I miss you..

And, watching License to wed on HBO made me tear. Im being emotional.

Ive got a few more assignments before Im done. Gahh.

what about now?

2009-03-20T13:55:00.002+08:00

Im really not gonna lie to myself that my heart keeps searching for the other half cause, it feels so empty.

Im not gonna deny I cried cause, it feels so wrong.

Im not gonna say its alright cause, its not at all fine.

I kept myself busy with assignments which I have so many more to complete. Ive been doing Chemistry which does not seem to finish. I have tutorial 2 to complete.

Econs and Maths and Physics and articles for GP and Malay, not done.

Ahhhhhhhhh, i feel like sleeping it off.

And, worst, ive got tests to study for.

Wdh, tell me its a week break and i'll break your legs. Break, your head la.

Tsk. So darn pissed!

Anyways, the only day i celebrated the entire day was on Tuesday.

Shoooppping with mum and sis. (No need spend a cent, cause, FOC, sponsored by mum) haha

Pictures.

Maybe, we're the special two and tearing it apart doesnt work.

;(

floorball(:

2009-03-19T10:37:00.003+08:00

The Principal and teachers used to say during the orientation week that in JC, CCA is the only thing that will make you feel happy being in a JC.

And true enough, it did.

I NEVER regretted being in IJ and esp being in the Floorball's Team.

The teammates and seniors plus boys in the seniors team are just gorgeous and lovely people. Not physically but I mean their character.

We bond so well, esp, the girls and I love them bits to pieces.

Nab and Sab are the wonderful ladies that keep me company during and off trainings.

Laughters, gigles, jokes and everything else under the sun.

Hhahahah.

Was otw back from training at Kallang, and yea, the melayu co. of floorball. joking!

sorry but we're from training, so dont look so good hahahhaa.

But still, tetap Mantap babe!

AND, the last pic was the best.

Nab,Nad,Sab

P/S: Maybe its hard but im keeping myself preoccupied with, school.

over

2009-03-18T19:30:00.003+08:00

I didnt expected it to end up this way but after much of thought and much of questioning, I had to do this for my own future and so does for the other party.

Truthfully, a million words cannot describe how I feel right now cause its been months, year, and days.

Minutes, hours and seconds, but in the long run, I dont wish to regret something that I cannot undo and that is to make it to Local Uni.

Im not selfish nor heartless which many tongues will be wagging about me in days or months to come, but we had actually talk things out and come to a decision.

I wont erase anything from my memory though.

P/S: Perhaps, we will be the special two in the future.

More later, I promise pictures!

Monday Blues~

2009-03-17T06:26:00.002+08:00

Heyho!

Well, been hectic since the week break started on saturday. Been doing revisions but im still not done yet and lots of other assignments not done.

Anyhows, yesterday was hectic.

Went to Science Centre for Chemistry Magic Show with the school.

It was a great experience as JC going for an educational excursion is diff from sec school. Besides, we were free to move and felt like we're all on our own which is great.

Spent the time with my lovely classmates which has pathetically 6 but vaishali was missing from us. haha.

So, yea, left with me, xue qin, li hui, ratheshan and sufyan.

The Magic Show was cool, using diff chemicals to do Magic. One example was the disco ball(below)

It was initially a glass flask but turned out to be silver looking and you could even see your reflection!

Had a great time though it was short.

From left, xue qin, li hui and me.

the other 2 boys, sufyan(standing) and ratheshan.

Than from Jurong East I had to rush to Kallang for Floorball training.
Was late, haha. So sorry to my teammates whom were waiting for me.
I had a good company home which is, the so called, my twin, Nabilah!
Presenting to you, Nab!

Do we look alike?
Actually, I dont think so lor, many people says so.
Hahaha.
So yea, she's one of my floorball co. plus the many more which I have not managed to take photos with yet. hahahaa

Chiao!

these words would not be told

lifeless

2009-03-13T21:27:00.003+08:00

Due to hectic schedules, and demanding commitments for CCA, I have difficulties in updating this very pinky blog of mine. Im sure it is lacking of pictures, but I really have no time for any. Perhaps when I go for Science Centre on Monday which I have not checked which group and bus Im in. Im so dead.

Im certainly dead beat with the morning wake up calls for morning runs as well as to do revisions and assignments before school starts at 8am. The long hours in school until 7pm everyday is killing me but I have no choice. I am seriously lagging behind although I did read my notes before and after lecture plus do tutorials. Sigh, i NEVER like Kinematics.

And, I do have some enemies that I really despise to see in school.

Do I have a choice?

Anyhows, I love the laughing gas company, Cheryl and Fatin plus Makan companies like Amirah and Syafiqah. It was really great to be with them in school to destress. Also, my floorball companies such as Sab and Nab! The best of my girls. Hahah. Joking la, we train hard and play hard. Lol.

Btw, my team was in the Malay Debate finals on Wednesday and gues what? guess what?

I was the Best Speaker twice plus my team WON. Hip hip Hurray!

However, it was embarassing when Zi Xiang found out that I won and told my mates that I used to debate in English and was the best speaker twice too. I was blushing like mad. He deserve to die. Lol.

Anyhows, congrats to Zi Xiang and Jiansheng (my sec sch classmates) for being selected into the 5th Student's Council. HAHA(:

Okay, Floorball trainings have been very tough due to A divs in a few weeks to come. J2's will be playing but only a few J1's will be selected into the team. I wish to play but at the same time, Im sorta worried.

Besides that, I was acknowledged by my house captain to join long distances runs for Sports Day. Ive never done 1500m all my life so Imma give it a shot for Heats and hope to win. Lol. I try my best and 400m is definitely gonna be tough. I swear. Sigh, sigh, sigh.

Okay, 1 week break to be completed with revisions and assginments. Common tests are here. Gotta mug, mug and mug. I think Im like sitting for O's. OMG.

P/S: you're always in my mind

dilemma

2009-03-07T14:41:00.004+08:00

Heyho.

Well, been hectic la. Seriously. I have no time in my hands.

Time is catching up on me. Its MARCH already?

I have been sooo busy such that I think im losing contacts of my secondary school friends and Im afraid they would say Im arrogant or something just because im already in JC.

I mean, Im sooo not like that la, Ive been busy sia.

School ends at 7pm everyday due to CCA and Evening Lectures.

Like wdh?

That hasnt count my Quran recitation which I had to pass the whole week. Its really saddening to pass something that has to be done for Allah.

Nvrm, im abit disappointed.

Besides, Ive been keeping up with fitness. Like, omg, my 4rounds (1.6km), i clocked in 8.58 minutes?

I was like, omgomgomg, wdh? Ive never been THAT fast la.

And, to actually have 2.4km runs on tue and fri was really worth it!

Also, been busy with schoolwork.

Oh yea, I met up with Soffey love on friday cause school ends early and I wanted to eat at banquet. Since soffey love is the usual(hang around type), i called her.

Hahaha.Was fun!

IMY alot and Fza.

Meet again soon!

Plus, match with VJ was (sigh)

Seriously, Im so not gonna let this lil things affect me and pull me away from making it to Adivs. Seriously, I dont care how aggressive you are or how many times you will be pulling my hands away from my stick.

Tsk!

alright, gtg

Busssssssyyyyyyyy

Cloud nine

2009-03-04T21:49:00.002+08:00

OMG, Im soooooo happpy and over the moon.

I really cant convey alot now but ive certainly have lots to spill.

Im soo freaking happy despite the stress cause, these lil things drives me to work even harder and get good grades.

I shall elaborate more, but for now, I sum things up.

Im the best speaker for the malay debate and my team makes to final round.

Im in love with floorball and mates of floorball.

I love my GP podcast group although im the only girl, the 3 boys never negelcted me.

Gtg,

Chiao!